?

It’s been five years now; if I think it over it may be exactly 5 years today from “the big crisis day”. The second time in my life when I’ve seriously considered taking advantage of my 6th floor positioning to put an end to this. And yes, it’s true. I don’t want you anymore. I look at myself and find me desiring none. How is it to feel, when you’re 32, that you want a teacher to take you through the journey all over again? To teach you how to move, to dance, to understand, to overcome, to smile your day without pills… Can I get one of those, please? I’m crying for nothing. I understand I’m just losing water and clearing eyes for no reason at all. ‘Cause I don’t want anything right now. Except a new journey, but that I know, it’s not possible.

Shall I see myself tomorrow again?

the beat that's only making you stronger

Defining day and worshiping night...

It starts with this and for now it ends with this

If it ever happens to wake up and feel the urge to listen and to dance, pick one of these and you'll know you have me all :) Picture out the British morning weather, the crowded subway and the dizzy-smiling figure slowly, just slowly enjoying the beat... the new grass-green shoes, the slightly pink sun glasses worn when others fight their umbrellas... i'm diving through Bucharest and smiling to you, wherever :*.

The “instead of you”

Because the clubbing nights with slight impressions of seeing your face in the crowd have never stopped. I’m still dancing as you are there to enjoy. I’m still picturing you with a glass of whisky standing around the bar and watching people around you. I’m always shivering when I have to go the bar to get a drink… I’m afraid you’re gonna be there and my heart will stop that very second and my eyes will never forget the looks of you and they will hurt forever. Because I’m waking up in the morning, breathing Bucharest dirty air and feeling happy knowing you might be around here somewhere. Probably you’re not, but you just might.

In the middle of all this, taken down by music, nothing to live for and the pain for the winter soon to come, I found the “instead of you”. Some years younger, energy flowing all over his body, mind focused on music and beauty of life in your twenties. I freaked out last night. In the darkness of the bedroom he looked just like you. Or am I going crazy again?



Now what? Do I have to step again to my Kristal church to get you back into my eyes or from now on it’s going to be the instead of you’s image all over my life and my dancing nights? Will you meet me in Kristal this winter?

September story, traveling never ends

In dimineata in care m-am decis sa plec, un fior de panica mi-a traversat frizura, as usual, short grey :) Zilele astea ma uit in urma la 4 ani de Seroquell; in fata, inca unul. Asta e povestea. Adevarul e, probabil, ca I’m stuck with it. Whatever. Am celebrat anii astia de dizziness cu un scurt sejur in Brasov. Vreme intai frumoasa, ulterior o ploaie relaxanta de toamna care se vrea hot. Hotel de nota 10, atmosfera de hai-sa-nu-facem-nimic-cu-toate-ca-suntem-in-delegatie. Plecarile astea sunt mult mai usoare decat acum 4 ani. Parfum, le-ar spune little brother.



M-am intalnit cu C. Eu mancam o supa, el astepta sa spun ceva interesant. N-am gasit nimic. Decat ca supa e buna :) Dar asta a fost mai degraba anost. Ma declar vinovata de “no interest” tratamente aplicate barbatilor. Invariabil, un personaj ipotetic interesant devine faptic indiferent. In noaptea care a urmat te-am visat pe tine. Ca si cum tu n-ai dormit in seara aia, ci ai stat treaz, asteptand sa adorm eu, ca sa ma gadili un pic aducandu-mi aminte ca esti in zona. Ma rog… in zona mea zero, in zona ta multimea vida. Adica still missing.

Ok. I’m still missing u 2.

a letter 2 me from a bipolar like me

Dear,

You are amazing. Many do not understand your bipolar nature; but you can rest assured ...

The bipolar experience is no more than this: A heroic soul born inhumanely sensitive,
desperately in need of true connection.

To you ... a touch is a blow, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a daydream is a premonition, strictness is suffocation, and completion is death.

Add to your brutally sensitive soul the overwhelming need to heal, create, and transform -- so that without the outpouring of honesty, the creating of music or poetry or something of meaning your very breath is cut off ...




You must create, must pour out your entire being in each and every encounter. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency you do not feel truly alive unless you are risking everything through your divine expression.

Thank you for having the courage to create ... to transform ...to be ... in a way other souls don't.

For without your courage and your light the world would grow listless and dull
and the rest of us who are like you would not have your courageous acts to inspire our own.

Rock on,